The Pornographer's Stone
by DeliciousNewYork
Summary: I bet you a million dollars you've never read a story with this pairing. Plus giant spiders, twists and turns and a mary sue! Woopee!
1. Chapter 1

I don't own any of these characters...I might one day if I weasle my way into J.K. Rowling's will.

Author's Note - I started this story thinking of a pair that had never been done and now it has turned into a long crazy romp with twists and turns at every corner!! Enjoy.

It was a warm night. So warm in fact, nobody was wearing clothing. The halls of

Hogwarts were filled with the scent of naked bodies and nobody was loving it more than

Lord Voldemort because he was responsible for the extra heat that forced everyone out of

their robes. He also snuck in during dinner and with the stolen invisibility cloak he put a

potion into everybody's drink. This was not your ordinary potion. It was none other than

Gratuitous Sexificus potion. Yes thanks to Lord Voldemort everyone was naked and

horny as all get out. He sneered at the fun that was to begin.

In his Tom Riddle disguise, he cruised the halls for his first fling because he found the pornographer's stone that would allow him to live forever if he could gain enough sexual energy or something like that. Anyway, he soon found his way to Dumbledore's office where he locked eyes with the sorting hat. There was an intense connection that instantly sparked and Voldemort felt he was the victim of a strong and sexy spell that beckoned him closer and closer to his would-be lover. He felt that the hat knew everything about him and that it was peering into his soul. The sorting hat had never known a dark lord's touch and shuddered at the lustful gaze of Voldemort. There was a moment of hesitation that was soon interrupted by the words that flowed forth from Voldemort's lips like velvet, chocolate, and other sensual crap.

"Well well, what have we here? The sorting hat? Why don't you sort me?"

The sorting hat knew that this temptation was too strong to avoid and moaned in anticipation as lord voldemort's fingers gingerly caressed his brim. Just as the hat felt Lord Voldemort would allow it to bask in the glow of an intense hat orgasm, the tender teasing stopped and was replaced by rough groping as the hat was placed directly upon Voldemort's head. As Voldemort's head penetrated the hat's inner core the flames of their passion ignited to a level that not even the deepest pits of hell had known. Just as the dark lord and the hat were one, Voldemort abruptly tore the hat from its pleasurable perch. He repeated this action; on, off, on, off, on, off. He kept this torture up until he reached an agonizingly fast pace and as both felt the waves of unadulterated pleasure crash down upon them Voldemort, in a low and sensual voice, asked "So how have I been sorted"

The hat looked longingly at its lover and knew that there was only one way to define the warm body that had just given the sorting hat the greatest moment of its life. "You're not Gryffindor, nor are you Hufflepuff, Slytherin or Ravenclaw. You are Soul Mate"

to be continued!!!


	2. Chapter 2

"Something to drink, my love?" Voldemort asked the sorting hat who was resting comfortably in his arms. Touched by his lover's warm gesture, the sorting hat nodded and Voldemort took off to the kitchen. On his way he found that he was surrounded by a mass of naked students. It was then he remembered his original mission. He needed to gain enough sexual energy to live forever but his new found love with the sorting hat was tearing him away from his intended endeavor. How could he finish his plan without breaking the heart of the sorting hat? His concern quickly flew out of his mind when he saw a nude Professor McGonogoll slink into the kitchen. His next tryst had been determined.

Hours later the sorting hat grew impatient. It decided to set out in search for his misplaced lover. At first he was shocked at the sight of so many naked students and staff but soon grew accustomed to the feast of flesh. It was then he heard a ruckus coming from the kitchen. The hat flopped through the doors and was aghast when he saw voldemort in Tom Riddle form pleasuring Professor McGonogoll with a spoon. "How could you? After the passion we just shared? Is it that easy for you to pass around?" the hat cried out. Voldemort dropped the spoon and picked up the sorting hat as it tried to flop back out of the kitchen. "Oh sorting hat, you don't understand! There's a very good reason behind all of this and if you would just liste…" it was then that Voldemort's sentence stopped short and he looked more closely at the hat that was fighting to be free from his hands. The sorting hat fought back as voldemort carefully extracted a black hair from the inside of the hat. "Care to explain this?" Voldemort spit at the hat with a sense of rage that bubbled beneath. The hat had no choice but to look at the incriminating hair that was between Voldemort's fingers. "I uh… I must have picked it up from the floor or something" the hat replied trying to down play the evidence. "You know perfectly well whose hair this is. YOU LET SNAPE WEAR YOU, DIDN'T YOU?" he cried out in a fit of intense anger. The hat was too afraid to point out Voldemort's own cheating (Professor McGonogoll was finishing up the job with the spoon in the background) when Voldemort was ready to give his brim a strong smack. Just as his hand was about to make contact with the hat a dark and silky voice interrupted the violence "You will do no such thing." Voldemort looked up to meet a dark figure standing ominously in the doorway. Things had just gotten interesting.


	3. Chapter 3

"Snape is that you?" McGonogoll called out in her spoon related orgasmic ecstasy. The figure stepped out of the shadow and the identity was revealed, "No, it is I, RON! What the bloody hell is going on here? Put down the poor sorting hat you fiend!" Voldemort did drop the hat but not to comply with Ron's request, Voldemort wanted both his hands free to properly deal with Mr. Weasley. Before Ron knew what was going on, Voldemort had magically taken them into the Gryffindor common room. "What is going on? Why am I naked? Why do I feel like I'm getting lost in your eyes?" Ron cried out. Voldemort ignored his questions and continued with his own interrogation. "What possessed you to intrude upon my private kitchen engagement?" he hissed at the boy. "Well I heard you yelling about Snape and it just so happens that I'm looking for him. I have a score to settle with the potions master." Voldemort was intrigued. He had just discovered Snape had worn his beloved sorting hat and if Ron was eager to bring about Snape's end as well, then maybe he could be a valuable asset. "Just what score is this?" Ron hesitated and then proceeded to tell his story "Well I don't know why I'm confiding in the Dark Lord Voldemort, but oh well. Anyway, I was walking around horny and naked so naturally I was looking for Hermione. Well I DID find her but she was performing a rather risqué strip tease for that slimy Snape. It was so odd, they were about to get it on and for some reason…" Voldemort interrupted him, "Snape and Hermione? I just had sex with a hat and even I find that bizarre." Ron looked sad, "Well he's incredibly old, she's way too young, they almost never have any interaction, can't you see it is MEANT TO BE?" Voldemort let him continue. "Well anyway the weird thing is Snape was wearing this weird hat…." It was at this point that Voldemort stopped Ron short. "A hat you say?" he asked, "This couldn't be the sorting hat would it?" Ron thought back to the horrific sight and remembered that the odd hat did seem familiar. "You know, come to think of it, it was!" Ron declared. Voldemort's eyes narrowed. Not only had his beloved hat cheated on him, he was involved in 2nd rate threesome strip shows. Voldemort knew he would have to put his mission off for a while in order to exact a full revenge of Snape. "Now, my dear boy, since that disgusting old man is taking your tail as well, how would you feel about helping me in making him pay?" Ron wasn't sure what to do at first, but to make this story go along faster he just decided to side with the evil Voldemort.

Ron and Voldemort left the common room and went on their different paths in search of Snape. Ron walked slowly and cautiously looked over his shoulder to make sure Voldemort was out of view. Luckily, this was the exact moment that the Polyjuice Potion wore off and as the form of Ron disappeared, it was Hermione's small frame that ran off down the hall.


	4. Chapter 4

Hermione burst through the doors of Snape's office. "We've done it! He is totally distracted from the pornographer's stone and we've bought ourselves plenty of time to take it into our possession," she cried out as she slinked towards the potions master.

"Excellent. Does he suspect you?" Snape questioned a bit flustered.

Hermione was a bit confused by his befuddled state and flushed cheeks but she chose to ignore it. "No, I found all this out as Ron…." Hermione stopped when she saw Snape looking intensely in the direction of the door. "What are you looking at?" she asked.

Having been caught, Snape quickly turned his attention back to her, "Nothing my pet, you were saying?" Hermione knew there was something going on but kept going anyway. " Well you're spy work was correct. He does have the pornographer's stone but your brilliant plan to set up Voldemort to fall for the sorting hat and then have his heart broken is working. Soon he will come looking for you…." Hermione stopped again, Snape's focus had once again fallen to the door.

Knowing she wouldn't be given the truth she decided to investigate herself. Snape tried to cut her off but was unable to stop her from revealing the large spider, Aragog, who had guilt in all of his eyes. "What's all this?" she cried out, "You cheated on me with a giant spider?"

"What can I say, I'm into legs," Snape admitted. "I'm sorry you had to find out this way but it just happened."

"What the fuck? How did I not see a giant bloody spider behind the door?" Hermione yelled out.

"Maybe you're just stupid," Aragog added. With this Hermione ran out of the room. Snape would pay dearly for this humiliation.

"Oh dear she didn't take that very well did she?" Snape asked as he turned to his beloved giant spider.

Aragog sighed and crawled away from the potions master. "What's wrong?" Snape questioned with concern.

"Our love is so precious but it came so quick and strong. Where do we go from here? A bitter man and a giant spider may fall in love, but where will they build their giant sticky web in which to lay egg pouches of horrifying hybrids?"

"I don't know, but we'll find out together," Snape whispered gently.


	5. Chapter 5

Things at Hogwarts were getting very complicated. However things would only get more twisted around when Voldemort realized that he had scheduled his evil plan on the night of wonders. It was a night that only happened every 58201048457902447839293 years. He knew something would happen but he wasn't sure what. As the clock struck midnight Hogwarts was filled with a brilliant and blinding light that radiated in such a way that the entire school body showed up to witness this spectacle.

Out of the light stood the most gorgeous beautiful sexy amazing girl anybody ever had ever seen. Ever. Everybody, especially the people with penises, was mesmerized by her glowing eyes that glowed a beautiful glow. They were purple and silver and gold and blue and green and a magical color that was too beautiful to be labeled with a name.

"Who are you?" Voldemort asked. Harry and Ron and Draco fought through the crowd to get closer to her so she could amaze them with her beauty.

"I am Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop. I am a witch who as all the powers a witch could ever have and all the powers that a wizard could ever have, plus x-ray vision. I have the power to read minds, control animals, shift stars, turn water into wine, and set the clocks on VCR's," she replied in a voice that was smoother than the smoothest smooth thing.

"Wow! We are instantly impressed!" Harry, Ron, and Draco exclaimed together.

"Oh surely you can't fall in love with me! I have a horrible, tragic and unspeakable past that makes me wise beyond my years and endearingly vulnerable. I also make great jell-o. But that is all a part of my past and I can only emerge on the night of wonders and show up and look hot and impress you all with my powers and horrible yet mysterious past," she cried woefully.

"Oh but let us heal you with our undying love!" Harry, Ron and Draco pleaded.

"Oh please don't focus on me. Just leave me alone so I can magically fix every problem ever at Hogwarts. Ever." With this Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop started to glow again and float up towards the air. She wore only a gold bikini and gold thigh high boots but everybody knew she was pure at heart.

Just as Celuna crappity crap shit was getting ready to display her awesome power Aragog crashed in with Snape riding atop. "I heard there was some beautiful young magical mysterious lady for me to mindlessly fall in love with in the vicinity?" Snape questioned outloud, "How does she feel about three ways with giant spiders?"

Ron, Harry, and Draco looked up at him with tears in their eyes, "Well you can't ask her now, your spider just squashed her!" they cried.

Ron, Harry, and Draco would never be able to love again but would only go on in the memory of the amazing witch who could do everything ever. While the student population mourned the loss of Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop, Voldemort's eyes narrowed in on Snape. Snape returned the glare. The fight was on.


	6. Chapter 6

"Well, if it isn't my old friend, Voldemort!" Snape spat with a sneer.

Just then the appearance of Tom Riddle melted and the horrifying figure of Voldemort was left.

"You! For one brief moment in time I was happy. Then you went and ruined it" Voldemort hissed.

"Oh what are you talking about the sorting hat? Hmmm yes I suppose we did have some fun but I guess it was nothing compared to what you had, was it?" Snape replied in a mocking tone.

"Get off that spider and fight me like a man!" Voldemort cried.

"Never! I know what you're after and that you were just using the sorting hat to get what you want."

"You know what I'm after?" Voldemort asked.

"Yes."

Voldemort let out a sigh of sincere relief, "Good, because I've completely forgotten. I feel like my life is being controlled by some writer on an acid trip."

It was just then that the sorting hat shuffled in. "Voldemort, what was Snape talking about when he said you were using me?" he asked with a sense of worry in his voice.

"He was using you to power the pornographer's stone!" Snape bluntly revealed.

The hat looked crushed. "I can't believe it! First I find you cheating on me and now I find out from a hook nosed man atop a spider that you're just using me?? Well I have news for you all! I'm pregnant!!"

The entire hall let out a gasp as the hat stormed out as best a hat can. Snape, Voldemort, and Aragog followed after him.

The student body couldn't possibly imagine a scene that would tear them away from watching a giant spider and an evil wizard chase after a pregnant hat, but just then a beautiful glow began to glow.

"My heart feels like it is coming alive again," Harry, Ron, and Draco said in unison. Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop started to wake up.

Ron rushed to her side. "Let me help you up! I will love you no matter what!"

Harry shoved Ron out of the way, "No! I'm willing to sacrifice any of my normal character behaviors to accommodate your beautiful soul!"

"That's nothing!" Draco added, "For you, I will slowly let my bad boy heart melt and as I help heal your frail beautiful body, you can heal my cold unfeeling heart."

Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop didn't know what to do. She only sat blinking and every time her lids shut over her eyes, the entire student body would cry at the absence of her gorgeous glowing orbs.

Meanwhile, under the influence of Gratuitous Sexificus, Hermione wandered the hall wanting nothing more than to get back at Snape. If he could cheat then so could she!

It was then that she noticed a door that she hadn't seen before. Curiosity got the better of her and she walked in. As she shut the door behind her she was surprised to find that the room was completely bare.

However, she wasn't alone for long. The door creaked open and she turned and found herself face to face with Fred, George, and Mrs. Norris.

"What are you doing in here?" she questioned.

"What are _you_ doing in here" George asked.

For once, Hermione wasn't prepared with an answer. "I don't know, I just felt drawn to it," she replied.

"Yeah, same with us," said Fred.

"Is this the room of requirement?" Hermione asked.

"Meaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaow" added Mrs. Norris.

"Oh no! Mrs. Norris is right! We're in the room of contrived plot devices!" George cried.

"OOOOH NOOOO" They all cried.

"The room, for one reason or another, wants us all to get it on in a freaky manner!" said Fred.

As soon as they came to that realization a giant vibrating heart shaped bed appeared. Dozens of lava lamps covered the floor and the smooooth sounds of Barry White filled the room.

"You would think it really odd that Hogwarts, a school for children, would have such a disturbingly erotic room that locks certain people in until they have sex - for no reason!" Hermione said as she looked at the contents of the room.

"Meeeaaaaaaaaaaaooooowww"

"That is a good point, Mrs. Norris," Fred replied. With that they all started to head towards the bed. Boy, things were getting twisted at Hogwarts!


	7. Chapter 7

The sorting hat had found solace in the quiet of Dumbledore's office but it was only temporary. Before he even had time to fathom how a male hat could possibly procreate, the door opened and in came Voldemort.

"Hello," he said tentatively.

The hat said nothing and remained with his back to the dark lord.

Voldemort tested the waters and edged closer to his former lover. Seeing that the hat hadn't shuffled away he continued.

"Look…..I know things have been bad lately but I think we can work things out," he said in a tone so gentle that it could have been made of baby magic unicorn feathers.

"Oh, you mean work things out so you can get a hold of the pornographer's stone, right? You were just using me!" the hat sobbed.

Voldemort motioned to talk but he couldn't deny that deception was how their relationship started. However, what Voldemort hadn't counted on was a quicky with a hat to blossom into a beautiful connection that connected them.

"I can't deny that it didn't start out that way but…."

Before he could finish he was interrupted by a loud crash. Snape and Aragog had just joined their private party.

"But what?" Sneered Snape, "but now you can't because you're in love? Ha! Don't let him fool you sorting hat."

Voldemort pulled out his wand to do Snape in but was caught off guard when the hat jumped in between them.

"YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH! Both of you!

"Um…guys?? Aragog poked into the argument, "look….I'm not really relevant to this scene so I'm gonna go get something from the kitchen. That cool?"

They all nodded their approval and the giant spider left.

"ANYWAY" the hat yelled as it jumped back into the previous confrontation, "you two have been yanking my heart around and I'm sick of it! ONE of you is the father of this baby and whoever it is had better step up as a man and help me raise it!"

For the first time that night Voldemort and Snape agreed on one thing ; they weren't ready to be fathers.

Meanwhile, almost the entire student population had made its way to the hospital wing to visit the beautiful Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop.

"Tell us more of your painful past so we can fall in love with you as we slowly realize the amount of courage bubbling under your modest exterior!" Ron, Draco, and Harry cried out in unison.

"Well if you really want to…" she cooed.

"YES PLEASE GODS ABOVE LET US HEAR IT" they all yelled.

"Okay!"

And so she began her horribly painful and twisted life story.

"Well when I was born, Saturn, Mars, and the Hubble telescope were all aligned. This meant that was to be blessed with every power ever yet cursed with every horrible thing ever. I was born grand princess duchess goddess maiden and everybody in the land and universe loved the crap out of me. Oh, except for these evil witches that hated me. They flew to the grand castle I lived in, that was made out of dazzling pearls and rainbows, and cast me out into the muggle world where I was made a slave for a karate expert. He used to be cruel yet when he looked into my eyes he knew that he was wrong about everything and treated me like he didn't treat the 6 daughters he already had. So after that, I was walking down the street one day and I was attacked by a group of trolls who all wanted to make me their bride. They were, like, really obsessed with my beautiful body and soul and mind and captured me and took me to their icky cave. I managed to escape using the lights from the moon and a machine gun. So they are probably still looking for me or whatever. Anyway, I was trying to get back to my castle because my people were suffering without me. It was then that I realized I was also the lost princess of the unicorns so I had to hang out with them for a while. So, one night I was dancing for my subjects and a king of some other place happened to be walking by and he was instantly entranced by the graceful movement of my body and he became jealous of anybody else who saw me. He decided to put a curse on me, cause he was also magic, and the curse allows me to be seen every 373910193842920103894029 years on the night of wonders. That's tonight! So…..you can probably expect to see some trolls, unicorns, ninjas, and an angry king to show up"

They all stood there with wonder in their eyes.

"Oh how tragic!" cried Harry.

"How endearing!" said Ron.

"Let me make love to you to make the pain go away!" swooned Draco.

"Umm where in the world is Dumbledore?" a faint voice in the distance yelled out.

Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop was about to address her adoring fans when the doors to the hospital wing flew open. In walked a blonde with stunningly green eyes.

"I'm looking for Harry Potter" she said in a voice that flowed just like silk and really smooth silk.

Harry stepped forward. "Who is asking?" he replied.

"Your long lost twin sister!" she cried out. The school collectively gasped.

Celuna Crimson Scarlet Beautydrop, however was none too happy to be temporarily ignored.

While all this craziness was going on in the hospital wing, things were heating up in the room of contrived plot devices.

Hermione walked seductively towards Fred and George with Mrs. Norris in her arms.

"So," she started, looking them up and down, "do the drapes match the carpet?"

"I don't know" replied George coolly.

"Why don't you find out?" suggested Fred with a wag of his eyebrows.

With that Hermione went to examine the beautiful drapes that wonderfully complemented the carpet.

"You know, they DO match!" she said excitedly, "I thought they were slightly off but they are both the most delightful color of chartreuse. Even the couch matches!"

"Yes, that is a lovely couch," George agreed.

"Meeeaaoooow"

"Oh yes Mrs. Norris, we should shag on it" Fred replied.


	8. Chapter 8

"….so basically I'm just in a really confusing place right now," the sorting hat finished as he spoke amicably over tea with Aragog.

The sorting hat thought he'd give his two former lovers time to think over the shocking news. He wandered down to the kitchens for a snack when he ran into the giant spider.

"I think – oh would you pass the scones?" Aragog started.

The sorting hat quietly obliged.

"Thank you so much. As I was saying, I think you just need some peace of mind. Right now the most important thing is to figure out who the father is. Do you have any idea who it is?"

The sorting hat melted into an even sadder expression, "No."

"Well…..do you know who you'd _want_ it to be?" he asked.

The hat turned thoughtful, "Hmmm, I'm not sure. If it were Severus then the child might come out with a huge nose, however, it would be good at smelling cookies and cakes extra well….so that' something. If it were Voldemort, I would feel a little worried about raising a child with a mass murderer but I did hear somewhere that he has an indoor pool and I know kids love that. I just don't know!"

"I suppose you really have no choice. What will be, will be. Like I said, the most important thing is finding out who the father actually is" Aragog replied.

"You're my what?" Harry asked with a shriek in his voice.

"Your long lost twin sister! You weren't the only one that Voldemort tried to kill when they were only a baby. I was there too! However, I'm not ready to talk about my horribly and painfully, yet endearingly tragic past"

At this, Celuna narrowed her eyes in determined hatred.

"So what's your name? I bet it's not beautiful and unique like MINE" Celuna asked spitefully.

"My name is Roseheart Potter" she answered.

"How have we never heard of you before?" questioned Harry.

"How have I LIVED without you before? It is as though the sun is first seeing the beauty of the moon for the first time and the only thing keeping it from extinguishing itself out of anguish, is the hope of spending more time basking in the moon's beauty" Ron and Draco added in unison.

Celuna glared.

"If you want proof then let me show you MY scar!" Roseheart cried out.

"I hope it's on her ass!" yelled Ron.

"You idiot! Clearly it has been set upon her beautiful soul…..and hopefully her cleavage," Draco replied.

"You're both wrong! I received my scar on my lower back. It is in the shape of a heart with a butterfly landing on it. Totally cute, huh?" she said as she turned and lifted her shirt to show them.

They all clamored to take a look at it when Roseheart fell to the floor in tears of pain.

"Oh sigh! Even in her tearful pain she is still as lovely as a rose, a rose that has lightly been kissed by the morning's dew!" Draco and Ron swooned.

"Ooooh! It's my scar! It's hurting dreadfully!" she yelped through her beautiful tears.

"Fake ass bitch," Celuna muttered under her breath.

Madame Pompfrey had heard the screams of pain and came rushing in.

"Oh my poor dear! What a night you've had! We must get you into a bed so you can rest," she crooned, kneeling to help Roseheart up.

"As for the rest of you," she directed at the crowd, "visiting hours are over! Please return to your rooms and put on some clothing!"

With that, she herded them all out of the room, leaving Celuna and Roseheart alone, and exchanging hateful glares.

Snape and Voldemort sat in shocked silence in Dumbledore's office. However, the quiet was becoming overwhelming and Snape decided to break it.

"Ever thought of having kids?"

Voldemort looked up, being pulled from deep thought, "huh? Oh, well….no not really. I've thought of eating one," he added conversationally.

Not knowing how to respond, Snape answered back, "Oh? Yeah, well….I've always wanted to try sushi."

"Oh well be careful there!"

"Really? It's that bad?"

"Oh no! It just varies on the place. There are some places where it tastes like a little demon has just taken a shit in your mouth and other places it tastes like a million orgasms exploding over your tongue."

"What place is that?"

"Umm, oh gosh where was that? Hold on," Voldemort pulled out a cell phone.

"Sylvia? Hi! This is Voldemort! Oh I KNOW! It's been such a long time! What? Oh no he didn't? He DID? Oh he is TOO much! Wow, well anyway, I have a question for you. What was the name of that sushi place we went it and it was, like, totally heaven? Really? Really? Huh, I don't remember that. Well, thanks, you're a doll! Bye bye"

He snapped the phone shut and turned back to Snape.

"Okay, well, apparently the place I was talking about was Thai food."

"Oh, yeah? Well….there you go," Snape replied.

The two soon drifted back into an awkward silence.

Harry and Ron were sitting in their common room when in entered a very flushed Hermione, Fred, and George.

"What the hell have you been doing?" asked Ron.

The three exchanged glances of 'for-gods-sake-don't-say-anything.'

"Studying"

" Playing quidditch"

"Dressing in drag" they all replied at the same time. Fred, who was responsible for the oddest explanation was given a look of 'what-the-hell?'

"What? I'm confused, _what_ were you doing exactly?" Harry asked.

Hermione scrambled to cover their mistake.

"Umm, we were just studying to do a report on quidditch players who dress in drag!" she responded hoping they'd be stupid enough to accept it.

Ron's face turned a considerable shade of red and he looked anxious to drop the subject of quidditch players who dressed in drag.

"Oh! They were just studying, Harry! Well, er, good for them! I mean, er, I'm sure they didn't find anything about that subject….especially certain wizards who do that sort of thing. I bet they didn't find out anything about quidditch players who like to put on their sister's dress robes and beat bludgers, er, nope none of that. Umm so anyway, Harry's got a twin sister!" Ron stated nervously.

"What?" Fred, George, and Hermione yelled at the same time.

Hermione was ready to go on with her usual barrage of questions when Dumbledore's voice sounded throughout the entire school.

"If all the students could kindly make their way to the Great Hall, I would be most appreciative. That is all."

Everybody in the school was looking for answers and they headed to the Great Hall in hopes of receiving them.


	9. Chapter 9

- sorry this is a short one!

A great murmur filled the great hall. Everybody was wondering why everyone was so damned horny. Why was everyone naked? Why were mysterious girls entering the school at random? Why was the sorting hat so upset? What the hell was going on?

"Settle down, settle down" Dumbledore politely commanded.

The hall was still filled with the rumblings of curious chatter.

"Please settle down…." Dumbledore kindly started again, however, he was soon cut off.

"DO SHUT UP YOU FESTERING LITTLE MAGGOTS! SURELY AFTER YEARS OF ATTENDING A SCHOOL WHERE SOME COMPLETELY FUCKED UP THING HAPPENS EVERY YEAR YOU WOULD KNOW WHEN TO KINDLY SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Everybody was shocked to see a fuming Professor Sprout ready to yell some more.

"Um, yes, thank you Professor Sprout," Dumbledore said as he politely took the floor, his eyes twinkling that Dumbledore twinkle.

"Oh god my eyes!" yelped Susan Bones.

"What's wrong?" cried Pavarti.

"It's that damned twinkle! It's so bright!"

The rest of the school had shut the fuck up and was intently watching Dumbledore.

"My dear students, we have found ourselves in quite the predicament. It is a conundrum that involves, murderers, sex scandals, paternity issues, and even cross dressing. We are in a time where not even magic can help us," he said with a sadness that caused his eye twinkle to go down from 'kill' to 'stun.'

"Well what do we do?" McGonagall asked, clutching possessively onto a certain spoon.

"There's only one thing we can do. We need to go on the Maury Povich Show."

Soon, in a convenient twist of magic that let's the writer off the hook of explaining how a massive group of people gets from one place to another, everybody in Hogwarts found themselves backstage at the Maury show.

A/N - my good freaks who partake of this twisted tale,

please review if you would like me to continue. I've reached a crossroads where I can either continue with this story or go hot air ballooning.


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